My Journey to Forgiveness

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You found me in his dorm room.  It was obvious something was wrong.  You walked me back to my dorm room, and after you found out what happened, you left.

You left me when I needed you the most.

You, the person who claimed to love me.

Not only that, but a few days later you convinced me that if we didn’t “do it” soon, I would never want to do it again.  It was like being assaulted all over again.

There was no tenderness.  There was no comforting words.

I realize now how selfish that was on your part.

A day later I saw you with him, eating dinner.

Nauseous does not come close to how I felt at that point, at the site of the two of you laughing together.

When I thought I was as hurt as I could be, you drove the knife deeper.

 

I could linger on the hurt, the pain.  In fact, I have.

 

But it has been years, and it is time to let go of the pain, the anger.  I need to find peace with the past so I can move on and enjoy all the good that has come into my life since then.

And to do that, I need to forgive.

Forgive not only you, and somehow your “friend” – who I mistakenly trusted, but myself as well.

 

I have struggled with how to do that, and I have asked the Lord for help.  I feel he has brought me to writing about it here, maybe to help someone else find forgiveness…

Somehow, between the day that I first started writing this, struggling with such a task before me, and today, I somehow feel like a small weight has been lifted.  I hold no hatred for you.

Forgiveness can set us free.

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Comments

  1. How awful. You are strong to have made it past that, and to be able to even think about forgiveness.

    Thank you for sharing this. I hope someone who needs to read it comes across it and can heal as well.

    • It has taken many years, more than I should have given to the pain.

      I really hope someone who needs to find similar forgiveness reads this and it helps them heal as you said.

  2. What a horrible thing to happen. What a terrible friend. I’m so sorry… but you are right. Somewhere – the forgiveness will lead you to a better place of happiness. I hope you can continue on – toward peace – for your own sake. xo

    • It was a wake up call to who I can really count on, and honestly, better I found out then instead of later.

      I do believe just taking the time to write about it has helped me along that path.

  3. It sounds like it’s been a long journey for you to get to this point, but you’ve been freed from the anger. Forgiveness is so hard, and I think a lot of us struggle with it. Sometimes I think I’ve forgiven someone, only to have all of the pain and hurt come back again if that person says the wrong thing to me.

    • It has been a long journey.
      I know what you mean about having the hurt come back when someone says the wrong thing…. I think kids are much more capable of forgiving completely than adults b/c we just don’t forget.

  4. This was such an honest and pure post. I wish I could go back and protect you and be the friend that you needed at that time in your life. It is such a long time from then until now to hold onto all of that inside. I’m happy you are finding forgiveness and it is setting you free. Your heart deserves it. It is a wonderful, kind and gentle one.

    • Thank you for your kind words.
      Despite all the pain, I would endure it all again because it has made me that much stronger. It actually also led me to the man I married. But that’s another story.

  5. I”m so sorry you had to go through this.

    As hard as it is, forgiveness will help heal you: and take away the power that others had over you.

  6. I’m SO sorry. This must have been very painful to write to put out there. But I agree, if we keep that pain and hold on to it and don’t give forgiveness then we’ll always be prisoners of our memories and our pain. Hugs!

    • Thank you. I actually started the post a couple weeks ago and then had to stop. Somewhere between starting it and actually finishing it, it got easier.
      I already feel lighter somehow.

  7. You’re so right! It can set you free. Just remember that forgiveness has nothing to do with the offender. It has everything to do with us and God. When I we eliminate the offender from the scenario (which is easier said then done-i know) we begin to relaize the God calls us to forgive, and it doesn’t make the action we’re forgiving OK, it just means we are being obedient to Him. Even if we never even tell the offender we forgive. We can in our hearts, because it’s between us and God. i’ve struggled with forgiveness so many times. Still do…
    Stopped by from PYHO.

    • Yes, I agree – it is between us and God. There was something pulling me to write that post, something calling me to try to forgive. And although the person in question will never know, that’s okay, because as you said, it has nothing to do with him really.

  8. I am so sorry you dealt with this. Breaks my heart to read your pain. I am glad that you have found a way to forgive, though. What a blessing. God heals brokenness for sure.

    • Thank you, Shari! I’ve been wanting to get it out of the dark for quite some time now. I really do hope it helps someone.

  11. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I’ve learned that forgiveness doesn’t mean that what he did was ok but to bring peace for yourself. It is not an easy thing to do but once you do, it is amazing. With forgiveness and the Lord on your side, you can’t go wrong.

    Hugs

    • Yes, I agree. Forgiveness does not mean what they did was okay, but it does free us from whatever holds they have on us still.

  12. I am so sorry about what happened to you. I am sorry for the secondary wounding your boyfriend caused. I’m sorry you didn’t get the help and support you needed in that moment.

    You are so brave to be telling your story. Thank you for having the courage to do so. It matters.

    May you continue to be blessed in your healing. Stopping by from SITS.

    • Thank you for your kind words.
      It is true, I did not get the help I needed from the person I was dating at the time, but in a strange twist of fate, I did get help from someone I never expected — and believe it or not, wound up marrying.

  13. What a powerful and freeing (and brave) post, One Mommy! I’m so glad you could find forgiveness and release that weight. I agree, as adults, we are much more prone to holding onto things than our kids are. Hugs!

  14. You’re a better person than me. I’d hold that hatred forever, although I’d forgive myself.

    • I have found that forgiving myself has been a little harder. I think it is because hindsight is 20/20 — I look back and wonder how I missed things.

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